![Yale-trained career coach shares the 2 strategies she uses to fight her own perfectionism: ‘It was never just going to stop’](https://media.nbcsandiego.com/2024/07/105819777-1553787110362gettyimages-878980416.jpeg?quality=85&strip=all&resize=320%2C180)
Jordana Confino knows firsthand the dangers of perfectionism.
After obtaining degrees from Yale College and Yale Law School and landing prestigious legal jobs, she only became more anxious. She feared she'd disappoint the people around her if she couldn't keep measuring up, she recently told "The Happiness Lab," a podcast hosted by Yale psychology professor Laurie Santos.
"It was never just going to stop," said Confino, a career coach who helps her clients break their perfectionist streaks and an adjunct law professor at the Fordham University School of Law. "It always felt like just clearing one more hurdle would then free me up to live the life that I wanted."
"Then 150 hurdles later, you realize, 'Wait a second, maybe that's not going to happen unless I do something different,'" she added.
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Perfectionism has risen significantly over the past four decades, according to a 2018 American Psychological Association study. Perfectionists have more motivation, but their tendencies bring about low self-esteem, stress, depression and anxiety, research shows.
"The problem with perfectionism is that it doesn't even feel like a choice. It's just the necessary course," Confino said. Here are two steps she recommends taking to fend off those perfectionist tendencies:
Imagine your inner critic and push back
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Write down your self-critical thoughts in a journal, Confino recommended. Then, analyze your word choices and tone. She shared some of her own self-critiques: "You're not good enough, you're weak, you're lazy."
You can also draw your inner critic, Confino suggested. She pictures hers as a small green goblin. "Now, when these thoughts come up, I imagine this little green goblin on my shoulder, squeaking these things at me," she said, adding: "That enables me to detach from the thoughts."
The next step is to write down some rebuttals to your inner dialogue. As you write, try to avoid matching your previous tone and word choices.
"You greet it with compassion and say, 'Hey, listen, we're going to try a softer approach here,'" said Confino. A more sensitive tone can help you recognize that your inner voice tries to be helpful, but ultimately isn't.
Set healthy boundaries
Perfectionists can have a hard time saying no to extra work. In these situations, Confino asks herself:
- Do I actually want to do this? Is this decision driven by excitement or by fear?
- What am I giving up if I say yes to this?
Those questions can help you assess the tradeoff of saying yes to a new request, she said. "The toll that it took on the people that I love the most is that they just got the leftovers," Confino added. "They would get the shadow version of me once I had given all that I had to give to other people."
Confino said she waits at least two hours before responding about whether she'll accept a new project. The tactic has helped her feel more satisfied with her work in recent years, she said.
People-pleasing tendencies — like saying "yes" to every request or agreeing to unreasonable deadlines — come with a high risk of burnout and force your career goals to take a backseat to those of others, clinical psychologist Debbie Sorensen told CNBC Make It last year. Setting boundaries is crucial to combating those habits, she added.
"It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries at work, but next time you're tempted to pile more responsibilities on your plate, pause and ask yourself if you really want, or need, to take that on. And fight the knee-jerk reaction to say 'yes' to everything," Sorensen said.
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