This is the No. 1 misconception about couples therapy, says Esther Perel

On her podcast "Where Should We Begin?," renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel offers an intimate glance into couples therapy. 

One of the biggest misconceptions people have about the process is that Perel is a psychological handyman hired to fix their significant other.

"People come in thinking that I'm a drop-off center," Perel says. "They're bringing the problem to therapy, and the problem is their partner, and they basically are telling me, 'I'm going to explain to you what the problem is because I'm an expert on the problem. I'm an expert on what my partner is not doing or doing that I don't like, and you're going fix them.'" 

This mindset isn't conducive to addressing pain points, though. In fact, it can just fuel the toxic cycle deteriorating the relationship.

Instead, Perel asks couples how they each have contributed to the frustrating stalemate that placed them in her orbit. Once ownership is taken, you can start working toward a solution.

'What is your accountability?'

If you and your partner are sitting in front of a couples therapist, it's probably because there is a tiresome and repetitive sequence of events taking place. In other words, you're stuck. 

"Stuck means that they are entrenched in repeated patterns of interaction, increasingly rigid cycles of blame and defense and criticism and escalation," Perel says. "Stuck is that they've said the same thing for years, and they think that if they say it one more time, it's finally going to do something. It doesn't." 

Many couples recreate a conflict during their session, believing a therapist will be able to declare a definitive right and wrong party. A more effective way to show up to couples therapy, according to Perel, is to talk about your own actions. 

"What will go a long way is when you come in and you say what you have done that made things not good," Perel says. "What is your accountability?" 

Only when you both are honest about your missteps can you shift behavior and break the cycle. 

Another misconception about couples therapy is that a therapist's job is to tell you what to do. 

But, giving directives to someone who has no interest in taking them isn't effective. Perel sees her role as encouraging change, not dictating what it should be.

"What you're working with is the motivation, the motivation of people to change," she says.

You're more likely to solve conflict if you own your actions and are open to changing how you communicate with or perceive your partner.

As Perel says, if you continue to do the same things, you will continue to get the same results. 

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