Ivy League parenting expert: The 5 keys to raising children who are more resilient and mentally strong

Helping your children develop the resilience to handle life's inevitable setbacks is the key to raising them into happy and successful adults, says Dr. Tovah Klein.

Some parents think of resilience as a trait, something a person either has or doesn't. The truth is, "it's much more dynamic," says Klein, a child psychologist, author and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development.

Resilience is the "ability to adapt, to adjust, to be flexible, to face what comes your way with openness," Klein tells CNBC Make It. "It's hard for anybody, but that's [especially] hard for children, and it's something that develops over time."

It's worth helping your children hone this skill, experts say, because resilient children are more likely to have the confidence to bounce back from failure and the self-motivation to continue taking necessary risks, research shows. 

In her latest book "Raising Resilience," which was published in September, Klein lays out how parents can tailor their own expectations and better foster the sort of nurturing relationships that help their children thrive in the face of adversity and uncertainty. "We want our children to be able to handle the hard or the challenging or the bad things in life that come their way," says Klein. "To feel like they can handle it and somebody is there to help."

Here are the "five pillars of resilience" that Klein describes in her book, along with her advice for how parents can use these strategies to help their kids develop the mental strength they need to succeed in the long run.

1. Building trust

One of the most important aspects of any child-parent relationship is trust, Klein says. Once your child believes you will be there for them, providing support no matter what, they can develop the confidence to believe in themselves and others.

Though building trust takes time, the process often accelerates in difficult moments, like when you have to scold your child for not following rules but reassure them you still love them. "What children learn is, 'Oh, we can come apart, we can come back together, and it actually builds trust," Klein says. 

Children realize, "'They're going to love me even when I'm falling down, even when I'm not listening,'" she adds.

Teaching your child that they can depend on you even in the most difficult moments will help them stay strong when they face adversity in the future. "You need the mishaps and the disconnections to show the child this relationship can come back together. And that's where the strength comes from," she says.

2. Regulating emotions

Children need to trust their parents enough to open up about how they feel, particularly in times of distress, Klein says. Likewise, parents ought to pay attention to and acknowledge their child's emotions by asking them if something is bothering them when they seem down, and then validating their feelings.

Once children feel comfortable talking about their emotions, parents can help them learn to regulate those feelings. As they get older, kids who are better at getting a handle on their emotions are more likely to be resilient when they face adversity, according to parenting experts, as opposed to falling apart.

"Children are constantly learning about emotions," Klein says, and parents can help. "First, identify those emotions, but also be comfortable feeling those emotions, particularly the negative ones."

That way, the child understands, "'Can I have these emotions, feel these emotions, not be ashamed of them, and then learn to handle them?'" she says.

3. Developing independence

As children grow and become more confident, they seek to separate from their parents. Fostering this independence ideally will involve more than parents simply turning their kids loose and wishing them luck, Klein notes.

Children and teens need the security of knowing that their parents are close by, or only a text message away, to continue developing the confidence they need to face the broader world and its challenges. In her book, Klein recommends parents adhere to an "authoritative" style of parenting, in which parents gradually give their kids more autonomy while establishing clear rules and expectations.

Talking to your kids about their feelings, and then trusting them enough to take their input into account while setting those limits, helps develop their self-confidence while fostering independence, Klein says. That sense of security is what gives them the confidence to go out and explore the world, try new things, make mistakes, and develop an individual sense of self.

There is often a "long and windy path to independence," Klein tells CNBC Make It. "The teenager who's screaming, 'Go away! I don't need you!' actually is going to need you. You've got to be close, or available."

4. Connecting to others

Learning to develop and maintain relationships with other people, from friends at school to peers at work, is essential to our overall well-being, according to psychologists like Harvard's Robert Waldinger.

"Children take the trust and the ability to handle themselves in confidence into relationships with others," says Klein, adding that "empathy and compassion come out of having relationships with people beyond your core relationship with parents."

Be proactive in helping your children hone their social skills, Klein recommends: Plan play dates and group outings, and play games that require teamwork.

Model good behavior, too. Demonstrating resilience through social skills can look like having a respectful disagreement with your spouse or even calmly resolving a conflict with a stranger instead of losing your cool. 

5. Being understood

Your child needs to feel fully accepted in order to like and love themselves, and your own heightened self-awareness as a parent can help, according to Klein. Your desires for your children can influence how you judge them, even if you think you're being open-minded.

"Children know when they've disappointed us," Klein says. "The error we make is thinking that sometimes we're more open about what we're going to accept in our child than we are."

It's important to see your child as a separate person and adjust your expectations accordingly, says Klein. She recommends self-reflection for parents to consider when they're being unnecessarily critical of their children, even if those thoughts aren't being expressed explicitly. 

Another strategy many psychologists recommend is praising your child's process, rather than outcomes. That focus on their efforts can help them see that they are appreciated even when they get a low test score at school or don't earn a spot on a varsity sports team. 

Self-reflection and rethinking expectations can be "a hard process" for many parents, Klein notes. "But it's a really key part of raising children: Can we see them for who they are, accept them for who they are?" she says. "It's really core to helping a child become a decent human being, one who can handle themselves and have confidence in themselves."

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