How do you instantly gain someone's trust? Whether it's a new friend, a colleague, or a romantic prospect, genuinely connecting and building strong bonds might seem daunting, but emotional intelligence is absolutely an ability that you can learn.

I'm a Harvard-trained emotional intelligence researcher and the founder of Mind Brain Emotion, a company that makes card games, like 52 Essential Relationship Skills, to help people build the "human skills" that can help them thrive in social settings, from coping to critical thinking. 

I've spent much of my career exploring the ways that the most successful and effective communicators develop relationships. Here are three things people with high emotional intelligence always do when talking to others:

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1. They ask questions that elicit deep feelings

The most emotionally intelligent people have an exceptional ability to weave questions into any conversation to spark and sustain interest. 

Often, their initial questions are focused on getting to know your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. They ask intentional, open-ended queries like:

• "How did you get into … ?"
• "What are your thoughts on … "
• "How do you feel about … ?"

They have a rhythmic way of sprinkling follow-up questions about you throughout the interaction. Their ability to demonstrate social awareness and empathy — hallmarks of emotional intelligence — enables them to appear authentic, rather than nosy.

They connect on both intellectual and emotional levels. They may ask about your passions, happy places and pain points. This genuine interest drives their desire to help and others to reciprocate.

The result is that everyone leaves the interaction feeling seen, heard and valued.

2. They mirror your verbal tone and body language

When a stranger feels instantly familiar and relatable to you, it might be because they are mirroring you. That's the practice of subtly mimicking the behaviors, speech patterns and body language of others.

Highly emotionally intelligent people are skilled at reading social cues and mirror the people they speak with to deepen a connection. 

They pay close attention to tone, pace, and choice of words, and reflect these back in their responses. If you're speaking slowly or excitedly, they might adjust their tempo to match your emotions. Similarly, if you lean in or make a gesture, they might do the same.

Mirroring is not about copying, replicating or manipulating. Rather, it's about aligning with the other person's communication style to build trust and show respect.

This behavior is the external manifestation of an internal desire to empathize and connect on a deeper level.

3. They share their personal mistakes and failures

People with high emotional intelligence openly share their setbacks. They are not afraid to reveal their fears and failures. They see vulnerability as a strength and a means to build deeper connections.

They understand that their mistakes do not define them and that their job is not to please everyone. People with high EQ possess the emotional security and courage to be disliked.

They also have an uncanny ability to turn negativity into productivity. They observe how others react to their setbacks and use this information to filter out supporters from detractors.

They focus on what they can learn from their setbacks. That's a hallmark of self-management and resilience, two key traits of emotional intelligence.

By sharing both their positive and negative experiences, highly emotionally intelligent people encourage those around them to share, learn, and grow together.

Dr. Jenny Woo is a Harvard-trained educator, EQ researcher, and founder/CEO of Mind Brain Emotion. She created a series of educational card games and mental health tools to help kids and adults develop human skills in the age of AI. Her award-winning card games, the 52 Essential Coping Skills, 52 Essential Critical Thinking, and 52 Essential Conversations are used in 50+ countries. Follow her on LinkedIn, YouTube, and Instagram.

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